I have spent hours in a contemplative state, reading, writing, thinking and meditating. Within this deep thought process I found a part of myself that has been hiding for years. Waiting patiently for me to find me again.
Growing up in a religious family, my beliefs were the beliefs of my parents and their parents and their parents and so on. How do I know that these beliefs are real that the belief is true. My mother wanted us all to be active in our religious beliefs my father well he wanted us to be free thinkers and religious thus it balanced out. Over a year ago, I became inactive in my church.
I came to the realization that first the people were hypocrites. It has been taught to love one another and look out for all the families especially the widowers, single parents, children, ill, those in need. However, I am a single parent and have been over looked now for two years. When reaching out for help nothing came back and as a single parent I learned to find other single parents and we have a network. Has nothing to do with the church and the false love and friendship that they provided.
My next realization came from the teaches of the gospel. Though I have read the standard scriptures of my religion multiple times and the publications I had many questions which the answers didn't mesh with reality nor the scriptures. Always being told that there is a missing link that will be revealed in heaven wasn't enough for my mind. I could go on for hours about this topic however I am not making this post religious I am aiming for something higher.
The last several years of my life have in a word been extreme chaos. It has forced me to look in the mirror and see who I really am. It has been years of self discovery for my children and myself. In the process the last two years I have dated some questionable boys that have lacked in character, morals, charity, kindness and they have been unequivocally defective for me, my personal growth and by all means none of these boys (as they are not and never will be men) never deserved to be in my presence.
Among my meditations I know that I have more self discovery. Thus one of my new years resolutions is to find that self within myself. That woman who is divine love, who is divine charity, who is divine beauty, who is divine intelligence, who is divine life, who is divine laughter and who is and always will be pure bliss.
I have started actually studying Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism and Jungism. There is so much missing in life and parts of it is finding the enlightenment and spirituality that exists within us. This is something I was never taught. No one showed me divine beauty. It wasn't part of the scriptural text that I was brought up learning. It wasn't taught in school. It has been this little ball of fire deep within my soul burning to get out.
Abraham Maslow has his hierarchy of needs. My physiological needs have always been met. My Safety needs have been met. I have pure love and belonging thus those needs have been met. The two that I haven't conquered are esteem and self actualization. Who has conquered these Mother Teresa, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Albert Einstein.
My goal to discover enlightenmen and s elf actualization. To have a heart of gold and be divine charity to my dearly loved family and friends, to those in need and those not in need. Let my journey begin.
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