Blue Eyes

When first I
saw you
on the street hiding
behind your brother

I looked

into those

blue eyes

i could see the man

A man
with a heart
hurting
filled with pain

Capable
of love
jovial smile
reaching for me

Deep
within your soul
i can see the real
you, hiding from the world

What
what are you
scared of
getting hurt again

Open
your heart
love me as i love you
listen to my soul

Touching Quote

 ‎"Successful mountain climbers know that they must spend at least as much time, if not more, in tending to their base camp as they actually do in climbing mountains, for their survival is dependent upon their seeing to it that their base camp is sturdily constructed and well stocked." ~M. Scott Peck

divine

"I am divine love. I am divine beauty. I am divine intelligence."

My lost friend

I would have rather
not loved you
then lost you as a friend

Your friendship
means more then I
could ever express

Sorry
I didn't listen
and wasn't there

You needed
my friendship
and now we are departed

Enlightenment

A dear friend suggested picking a word to emulate during 2011. I am on a new journey. My hope is that this journey will take me beyond my mundane life and bring me spiritual enlightenment. Thus my word to emulate my life in 2011 is ENLIGHTENMENT.

I have spent hours in a contemplative state, reading, writing, thinking and meditating. Within this deep thought process I found a part of myself that has been hiding for years. Waiting patiently for me to find me again. 

Growing up in a religious family, my beliefs were the beliefs of my parents and their parents and their parents and so on.  How do I know that these beliefs are real that the belief is true. My mother wanted us all to be active in our religious beliefs my father well he wanted us to be free thinkers and religious thus it balanced out.  Over a year ago, I became inactive in my church. 

I came to the realization that first the people were hypocrites. It has been taught to love one another and look out for all the families especially the widowers, single parents, children, ill, those in need.  However, I am a single parent and have been over looked now for two years. When reaching out for help nothing came back and as a single parent I learned to find other single parents and we have a network. Has nothing to do with the church and the false love and friendship that they provided.

My next realization came from the teaches of the gospel. Though I have read the standard scriptures of my religion multiple times and the publications I had many questions which the answers didn't mesh with reality nor the scriptures. Always being told that there is a missing link that will be revealed in heaven wasn't enough for my mind. I could go on for hours about this topic however I am not making this post religious I am aiming for something higher.

The last several years of my life have in a word been extreme chaos.  It has forced me to look in the mirror and see who I really am. It has been years of self discovery for my children and myself. In the process the last two years I have dated some  questionable boys that have lacked in character, morals, charity, kindness and they have been unequivocally defective for me, my personal growth and by all means none of these boys (as they are not and never will be men) never deserved to be in my presence.

Among my meditations I know that I have more self discovery.  Thus one of my new years resolutions is to find that self within myself. That woman who is divine love, who is divine charity, who is divine beauty, who is divine intelligence, who is divine life, who is divine laughter and who is and always will be pure bliss.

I have started actually studying Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism and Jungism. There is so much missing in life and parts of it is finding the enlightenment and spirituality that exists within us. This is something I was never taught. No one showed me divine beauty. It wasn't part of the scriptural text that I was brought up learning. It wasn't taught in school. It has been this little ball of fire deep within my soul burning to get out.

Abraham Maslow has his hierarchy of needs. My physiological needs have always been met.  My Safety needs have been met.  I have pure love and belonging thus those needs have been met.  The two that I haven't conquered are esteem and self actualization. Who has conquered these Mother Teresa, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Albert Einstein. 

My goal to discover enlightenmen and s elf actualization. To have a heart of gold and be divine charity to my dearly loved family and friends, to those in need and those not in need. Let my journey begin.

 "If it were possible for us to see further than our knowledge extends and out a little over the outworks of our surmising, perhaps we should then bear our sorrows with greater confidence than our joys. For they are the moments when something new, something unknown, has entered into us; our feelings grow dumb with shy confusion, everything in us retires, a stillness supervenes, and the new thing that no one knows stands silent there in the midst."  ~Rainer Maria Rilke

Life is a journey, it is how we handle the journey that counts and when we share our journey with the ones we love.

~Ceil Alexander

Italy Challenge 2011

My dear friend Jeane found a challenge to read books from or taking place in Italy. What a fun challenge and a great way to learn more about Italy. Thus, part of my new Years resolution is to read one book a month from either an Italian Author, taking place in Italy or about Italy.  Enjoy!

just blabbing

Have you ever thought what on earth was I doing?  I realized that I should have never told the said boy that I had liked him and wanted to start something.  It is so odd, I haven't felt the way I felt about him about anyone and the thing that I don't understand is why it was I could look into his eyes and see the real man that was hiding behind so much pain from a wife who cheated on him, moving into a partying phase, using women for sex then actually finally coming out. The sweet man I could see buried and hurt under so many layers of pain and hurt and mistakes.  Finally, he has these ephipanies and is the man I saw the man I feel in love with the man I would have waited for.

I want the pain of his rejection to go away. I hate that I think about him I hate that I want him. I hate that I can't stop thinking I could give him another chance.  When deep down I know that he completely used me, violated my personal space and did things that were rude. I hate myself and feel so completely stupid right now. 

Thus, I am really trying hard to forget about him, and it is hard.  making new goals looking at new prospects like the book I am writing. I am also putting my poetry down in my blog which I never usually share my poetry I don't know why but my friends have told me that they like it.

okay i need to stop. I am going to go read. Can't keep thinking about this need to move on. He had his chance for a woman who would love him unconditional for all his good and bad. He chose someone who doesn't care about him and was only using him. And I know this for a fact. His loss. He lost a beautiful, intelligent, loving and understanding woman.

LOVE

It's hard not to think about a broken heart, one falling apart, becoming cold as ice.  The fear of ever letting someone in and close again.

I realize that I made mistakes and I realize that I shouldn't have fallen in love with the boy had fallen in love with.  I even wish I hadn't of told him.

My dear friend told me that the twinkle in my eye disappeared after I told him and he didn't return the love.  My friend said that the boy didn't deserve my love that the boy had an opportunity to have a beautiful, intelligent, loving woman and the boy choose to reject me for a woman who has been using him.  Mikey was right, this boy didn't deserve my love. He didn't deserve anything I gave him.

Today, I got weak and viewed his blog and facebook profile.  He is in a lot of pain Michelle clearly hurt him.  Sad thing is that he was dating both of us, and he knew Michelle was using him and I could tell by the complaints he had. He had me right there who wouldn't have treated him as badly. Yet he chose the drama.

Part of me wants to hold him and make it better, that would only hurt me because he never cared. My heart has become cold as ice. I don't think I will be able to love another man again. I know I won't. 

Then I start thinking, so many people don't have love and never will and when I say this I mean as a life partner that will love you unconditionally. I am one of those people. I have known this my whole life.  I have my beautiful children whom I love and they love me. I have wonderful friends who love me and will always love me. I am a wanderer and will continue to meander through life and enjoy nature around me.

Goodbye

Eyes
blue like the ocean
call me to our soul
I love you and fear to tell you

Love
my heart aches
aches to the core
all I want is to be with you

Leave
you leave
never cared never loved
gone over my heart is ice

Tears
stream down
my once glowing face
cold, lonely and sad.

Fight Club

Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


*************************************SPOILERS**********************************************



A refreshing, humorous, off the wall and fantastic read. Palahniuk did amazing with his first published novel.



The narrator, who has insomnia, discovers that his identity is based upon his job and his possessions. He has no control over his life it is based upon his miserable job and possessions he frankly doesn't subconsciously even like. He starts going to support groups where he runs into Marla who is a "faker" like he is. Then a strange relationship ensues.



Then enters the charismatic character Tyler Durden. The narrator's condo goes up in flames after an explosion and he moves in with Tyler. However, in order to move in he has to "do something for Tyler" and that is hit him really hard. Thus the beginnings of fight club. An underground male dominated club where men go to beat the tar out of each other. This develops into "Project Mayhem". Where the men of fight club basically cause havoc and mass destruction. The narrator starts out as a devoted member of "Project Mayhem", however his conscious soon gets the best of him and he trys to stop Tyler. This is where it gets twisted. We discover that the narrator and Tyler are the same person. In an attempt to end his life with the bombing of Parker Morris Building. The narrator ends up in a mental institution where he is in the care of members of "Project Mayhem".



Twisted, and humorous. I think this book just takes that level of when we become adults and lose ourselves in our mundane lives and need to find a creative outlet to express ourselves. From a male perspective, this book gets down to the core of living that mundane life exploring yourself to the extent of testing your limits and moral core.



Great book. A must read. I did watch the movie after I finished the book. The movie was done well, many things from the book were taken out and it ended diefferently however I was not disappointed in the movie. I would however, recommend reading the book before you see the movie.



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I Escaped From Auschwitz- Book Review

I Escaped From Auschwitz by Rudolf Vrba

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


**************************************SPOILERS*************************************************



"Arbeit Macht Frei" Work will make you free. As 17 year old Rudi Vrba got off a packed cattle car in Auschwitz-Birkenau. Rudi thought I can work hard then I will be free. Little did he know that he was entering one of the most horrific places on earth.



This is Vrba's account of what he faced and lived through as a Jewish teen during WWII. This book brought me to tears, at some points I wanted to scream at the pain and horror that any person who faced Auschwitz.



Vrba wrote through his 17 year old eyes. A boy who had to become a man. A Man who had to fight to survive. A man who wanted to save more from the horrific gas chambers at Auschwitz.



Faced daily with the threat of dying. Rudi had to be strong and his will to survive beyond any means. In his struggle all he could think of was to escape and warn others. He calculated that if the perscuted Jews rose and faught that the senseless murders would stop. Risking his own life, Rudi and his friend Wetzler. A struggle to get to safety both Vrba and Wetzler gave the accounts and numbers of those being murdered in cold blood in Auschwitz-Birkenau.



Within the book not only is there the account of Vrba's escape but the Vrba-Wetzler report with the diagrams of Auschwitz-Birkenau. It includes the tattoo'd numbers on the prisioners of Auschwitz-Birkenau and the Nations of which the Jews, Gypsi's, Russian POW, Ayrans and others captured by the Nazi's. Detailed numbers of the amount on the transports from each country.



When they Vrba and Wetzler completed their report it was to be sent to Hungry in order to save the lives of the Jews scheduled to be transported to Auschwitz-Birkenau. There is a lot of controversy surrounding the distribution of the report. Hungrian Jewish leaders instead negotaited to save the lives of their famiy and close friends.



Thank goodness the report still made it to Britian, America, The Vatican and other influential Allies. Thought approximately 400,000 Hungrian Jews were tortured and murdered in Auschwitz-Birkenau Thanks to Vrba and Wetzler the over a million scheduled to be transported to Auschwitz-Birkenau over 600,000 lives were spared and saved.



There has been a lot of controversy over the facts and the amount of people actually killed at Auschwitz-Birkenau. Vrba had a job at Auschwitz-Birkenau which gave him the upper hand in seeing just how many people were senslessly murdered. Between Vrba's account and Hoess, one of the head SS officers at Auschwitz-Birkenau, the number both discussed was extremely similar.



The Nazi's knew what they were doing was srong, they tried to hide the evidence by burning their victims then using the ashes as fertilizer. We will never know exactly how many were murdered. How many families were wiped off the face of the earth beause of hate and prejudice.



An eloquently written account of the terrors of Auschwitz-Birkenau. The Courage to escape and to warn other intended victims. A must read for anyone who is a history buff, or interested in WWII. Sad, and amazing. You will need tissues.





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December

It seems like 2010 just started and we have only twenty eight days to the end of 2010.  It is very chilly here in Chicago and we are getting snow tonight. It will be our second snow storm. The first was was more like a soft powdering that didn't blanket the town in any snow.

Today, it has been a bit warmer, 31 degrees. No snow yet but should be blanketing the city any time now.  Time to get the snow shovels out. 

bereavement

Hiding
not wanting to

come out to play

Clouds

billowing in
black, dreary, heavy

Breeze
blowing my hair
chills on my bare skin

Cold
wetness
crying from the sky

Rain
feels my pain
my heart, icy cold dead inside

Love
lost in the wind
never to be found

Cold
icy hands
winter blows on as do i

~ceil alexander

Watch for the Wind by Rod McKuen

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


I went to the little corner bookstore looking for a book for a gift however didn't find anything for my friend but found this beautiful poetry book by Rod. One by chance I didn't have. It was so happy to come home with me and I couldn't put it down.



So many beautiful poems. Where do I start.....with Rod's beautiful words at the beginning " Love is seldom carried by the wind - and life, less so. What the wind is best at is rearranging season, cycles, weather coming, weather already here. Though wind can be a part of weather and its make - up, it is always more."



A true romantic without romance. I have always loved Rod and his poetry sings to my heart and warms my soul. He brings bliss and enjoyment with the words that he shares in a mysterious yet friendly way.



I highly recommend Watch for the Wind to any and all poetry lovers.



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Enchantment

Your hand
grabbing mine
we walk on the dirt pathway

Your tattered
Keats poetry
the itchy wool blanket

Stars
swirling above
our heads in the dark sky

Deep
hazel eyes
staring deep into my soul

A caputured moment
two lovers
entwined in each others arms

Your hand
reaches for my chin
we kiss, everlasting enduring

~ ceil alexander

*Dedicated to William where ever you may be

Puddle

A single tear
drizzled
from my eye

I placed my finger
on my
cheek

It is ink
black ink
leaking from my eyes

Dripping down my chin
making
puddles of words

Crawling
down my
bare arms

Entwined
around my legs
tickling my toes

Words leaking
from
every pore

unfolding
   bloom
life

My eyes
dripping
my thoughts pouring

Down
in a puddle
tickling my toes

pacify
  yearn
agony

My skin
it is black
drips of ink

lust
 disgust
intrigue

burning
  infection
hold me

~ceil alexander

Blossom

Are you happy
do you feel good
when you use women
for your pleasure

You call it blossoming
you do this to women
Little do you know
we see your insecurities

Hide behind that pain
cause pain to woman
you are just a scared little boy
who doesn't know how to love

You won't open your heart
will you ever find
your inner soul and
what makes you blossom

You steal,
you stole a life
plucked from one that loved you
the only one that could see the
real you, barried deep inside.

Do you feel strong,

does it make you estatatic

your cold heart, black blood

plusing through your veins.

How long will you

make women scream

before you realize

you are the dilemma.

~ceil alexander

Touching the Void: The True Story of One Man's Miraculous Survival by Joe Simpson

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


********************************************SPOILERS****************************************************



This is a book about one's spirit to survive. Joe Simpson, experienced climber, recounts the events of his 21,000 foot climb to the summit of Siula Grande. Disaster struck almost taking his life. Joe Plunged off a verticle ice face and suffered a severe fracture in his leg.



Joe's climbing partner Simon Yates thought Simpson dead, cut the 150 foot rope. By a pure miracle Joe survived the plumant in a crevise in a glacier. Simon made his way down horrific and grueling odds to base camp where he was overcome with grief at the loss of his climbing partner and friend.



Deep in the mountain, in darkness, pain, thirst and hunger. Joe made his way down the mount. Severly frostbitten Joe crawled down steep cliffs and canyohns of the Andes reaching base camp hours before Simon planned to leave.



Eloquetly written account of the pain, fear and harrowing days that Simpson went through. Not only is Joe and amazing Alpinest but he is an amazing writer. I couldn't put this book down. Inspiring and truly a master piece.



A must read.



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A Reliable Wife by Robert Goolrick

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


******************************SPOILERS**********************************



This book was considered suspenseful and a thrilling juicy read by the critics.



I would have to say initially yes by the end of the book I could predict everything that was going to happen which made it harder to finish the book.



An interesting tell about a man, Ralph Truitt, whom puts an add in a Chicago Newspaper seeking a wife. Answsered by a women who, as you learn in reading the book, knew all about that man. As Catherine is dating Truitt's lost son. The intentions are to get Catherine into Truitt's life. She is to kill him slowly with arsenic. Catherine has a change of heart as she falls in love with Truitt and out of love with Antonio. Ends with Antonio's death and Truitt and Catherine expecting a baby.



This book started out well. It did sucked me in and I didn't want to put it down but about half way through just got preditctable and the writting seemed to well just get boring. It was as if Goolrick ran out of ideas.



This book was exotic. A lot more sex then I expected for a non-romance fictional book.



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A Mercy by Toni Morrison

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


******************************SPOILERS**********************************



This books was eloquently written by Ms. Morrison. The story follows the life of slaves during 17th Century America. The historical perspective through the characters eyes was presented in a way that I felt that I was jumping back in history to the lives of those who lived in the 17th Century America.



Florens is a young slave girl. She is sold to Jacob Vaark a small farmer when she is eight years old. When the sale takes place, she has an empty, lonely place on her heart as she feels that her mother has given her up. The combination of being sold and taken from her mother and being a slave has a huge impact upon her life as it places her in a position that she can never reach her full potential. Unlike most of the slaves in this book. She did learn to write and read a small amount.



Jacob Vaark is married to Rebekka whom he married as basically a mail order bride. Jacob aquires Florens from Senhor D'Ortega. He tries to get Florens mother however, A minha Mae, pushes Floren to Jacob. He knows that it is a poor substitute for minha mae however his heart feels that Florens would be better with him and Rebekka.



Rebekka, initially dispises Lina, the first slave to the Vaark family. However, her heart softens and she learns to love Lina as a sister. The Vaark's have their slaves but treat them a little better then most slaves are treated. Still horrible situation for Lina, Florens, Sorrow, Willard and Scully but treated well initially. However, once Jacob succumbs to pox. Rebekka overcome with depression begins to treat the slaves in a vile manner.



A character that I felt sorry for was Sorrow. A shipwrecked child who is given to Jacob when she is pregnant. Her first child does not survive. She is given the name Sorrow as they believe bad/cursed luck follows her. She survives pox by the blacksmith and then is prgnant when Jacob dies of pox. I felt so sorry for her as she was not treated as well as the other slaves because of her cursed or bad luck. She is slow which is a product of being brought up and raised as a slave.



I must add about the blacksmith. The free blackman whom makes the gate to the farm for the Vaark's. He is a healer whom heals Sorrow and later Rebekka. However, he is attracted to young Florens and thought the sex is consentual, it is clear he has taken advanatage of young Florens. In her mindset, she is in love with the Blacksmith yet he is so egotistical and womanizing that he rejects her because she is a slave that can never be more then a slave.



The last chapter of this book was touching and moving. Florens had a deep feeling that her mother never loved her and gave her up. Yet in the end the final chapter is minha mae's. She professes her unconditional love for her daughter, however not able to tell her daughter that when she pushed for Vaark to take eight year old Florens it was to protect her from D'Ortega. It did bring tears to my eyes, as a mother myself I know that love that a Mum has for their child and this was the only way minha mae could protect Florens.



In reading this book, I was impressed with Toni Morrison's presentation of the characters and the dialect used. Each character had their own voice.



I could not help but think how far women have come in America, with our rights. Back in the 17th Century women had no rights even to land. This was impressed upon by the fact that if Rebekka didn't remarry she would lose the farm. The fear in the slaves of being sold to a cruel master was ever present after Jacob's demise to pox.



The book also possed the sadness that is slavery. What an awful humanity was during this time period. Slavery was inhumane. A part of American history that we should all be ashamed of and at the same time thankful that we have abolished slavery and learned the imporantance of human life no matter what race, creed, or sex a person happens to be.



Beautiful and touching book.



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What am I doing here?

I am in a rather odd mood thus strange words may escape my finger tips.  While making rocky road today I was pondering "What am I doing here?" I wasn't pondering why I was home or making candy but the deeper question- What am I doing here on Earth? What are any of us doing here on earth?

Being raised religious, the answer would be God dropped me here to try to prove to him that I love Him and should be honored to return to him.

Then as I stired in the marshmellows I contemplated evolution. How does evolution fit into the tangled web of religion and the seven days of creation. Then I thought well, we have scientific evidence of evolution where is our evidence of the creation.

I feel small today. I think about how big whales, elephants, moutntains, I am small. Not as small as an ant or a flower still I am small.

I haven't decided what I am doing here, don't know when the answer will hit me upside the head when it comes I will know.

Book Review: UNDER THE BANNER OF HEAVEN

Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


*************************************SPOILERS*********************************************



Another great book from Jon Krakauer. Amazing writer and a well researched topic. This book has become highly critized by members of the LDS Church and many without either reading the whole book or just going off false judgements of those whom haven't read the book at all.



Jon Krakauer spent three years reasearching this book. He sited interviews and texts written by members of the LDS church and by nonmembers. This helps the book by showing both sides of the religious context of the book. This book covers two stories: 1) the murders committed by Ron and Dan Lafferty and 2)the evolution and origin of the LDS church.



In order to understand how the Lafferty brothers thought process became so obscure one must understand their religious background.



For me this book not only uncovered the sickness that infected the Lafferty brothers but as a member of the LDS church with some knowledge of the true history, my eyes were opened and I have been able to do my own research on the religious beliefs I was brought up and raised with.



The begining of the LDS church and the ceasing of polygamy is an important historical event. An event that pushes two brothers in murdering their sister in law and neice in the name of "God". Cruel and horrible murders that neither brother has remorse for. The both sit in prision at the point of the mountain. One appealling his death penality the other in deep religious meditation with another former member of the LDS Church (Mark Hoffman) who committed forgery crimes to try to bring down the LDS Church. Both brothers raised LDS broke away from the church to become Fundamentalist. The Fundamentalist Church broke away from the LDS church in order to continue to practice polygomy. With the Fundamentalists many believe that they are prophets of God. This belief became strong to the Lafferty brother. To the point that they believed "God" told them to murder.



The oppression that is highly dominant in the Fundamentalist churhc, it is extrememly sad for the woman and girls that grow up in this society. Krakauer does an excellant job by interviews with women who have been strong enough to leave the Fundamentalist church in order to gain freedom. It brought me to the realization that even the LDS church has an element of oppression. It teaches and encourages the members to have continual learning and encourages college degrees. However, the oppression comes from the "power" that the male members have over the female members. Maybe it is just a religious oppression since so many religions oppress the women.



Krakauer is a great writer. He presented a well researched about the Lafferty brothers, LDS Chruch beginnings and the Fundamemtalist Church. Krakauer gives a great ending to the story with his personal insight and opinion. Which is one reason I have enjoyed all his books is his personal opinions. He is very clear throughout the entire book that the LDS Church and the Fundamentalist chruch are two seperate chruches. One breaking away from the other.



I would highly recommend reading this book if not only to find out about the murders but to learn about the history of the LDS Church and the Fundamentalist church.



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"Nobody Knows me at all"

I am an avid listener to music.  I close my eyes and if I can feel my soul begin to dance I know that the song is beauty in true form.  There is nothing in the world like dancing to music and not just the dancing but if the song can move you to dance the lyrics can touch your heart.

Yesterday in exploring my favorite band, Mumford and Sons, on my Pandora station I found another band a lovely band named The Weepies. The name of the band struck a chord to my heart, then the song "Nobody Knows Me At All". The lyrics and the music it reminds me of dancing. It brings me to a happy place in my soul. Then I realized why, that honestly who knows me. Can you say you know how my mind thinks, how my heart feels, how I love, how I care. Are you there when I laugh, cry. Do you know me.

When I smile do you know what my heart thinks. Do you know what makes me smile? Do you know what I am thinking when I look ponderingly out at the rain. When a tear dances down my cheek am I happy or sad.

How well do you know me?

When one love dies another is born

On this blessed Thanksgiving day, I just talked to my sweet sister. She announced that she is pregnant and expecting a beautiful baby in June 2011. My heart skipped a beat. I am extremely excited to be an Auntie. How little babies bring so much love and joy.

My sister asked be to be there when this little one is born. Such an honor to be there with her during this blessed event. June will be a truly wonderful time.

Amazing how when one person rejects my love a new little one will come to the earth and soak it up. I can't wait to spoil this sweet little one. Kisses to my new niece or nephew. You have no idea how much love will be thrown upon you little one.

Happy Thanksgiving!

One of my favorite days. A day I get to spend with my darling children and enjoy food.

Thus, I shall share some of the reasons I am thankful. I am thankful for being a mother. From the moment my first daughter was born I knew that being a Mum was the best job in the world. I am so thankful for all three of my beautiful children. They bless my life with their smiles. Oh and when they laugh, their laughter feels my heart with so much joy it makes me laugh and thus spreads through my house like a virus. Then the sarcasm. Oh I have raised three extremely sarcastic children and how I love it. Another thing that makes us all giggle. I have enjoyed raising these beautiful children from their first glance at my face after they were born, to the first step, first word, first spelling test, reading their first book and to my oldest getting her college applications. I am so thankful and blessed to have three beautiful, intelligent children. They carry my heart forever.

I am thankful for my parents. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for their love. They have always been there for me no matter if I was being an immature brat or the loving daughter that they treasure. My Mum is the sweetest most caring woman in the world. I fondly remember her making homemade chicken noodle soup when I was sick. Placing a cold wet rag on my forehead to bring down my fevers. Her giving me flowers at my dance performances. Thanks Mum! You are the best in the world!

My Dad, I was always and will always be a Daddy's girl. He instilled a deep love and appreciation of arts within my soul as a small child. It started with late nights reading under the stars in our backyard. He read me Dr. Jeykl and Mr. Hyde, Sherlock Holmes, Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn, the books he read goes on and on. He took me to my first play. Always in the audience at my ballet and modern dance performances from when I was two years old until the last performance on a stage. Thanks Dad for everything!

I am thankful for my siblings. The wonderful memories that I have growing up with you all and now drinking and laughing late at night.

My beautiful Vine Family, I am so thankful for all of you. My blessing and light during a dark time in my life. I can't express the joy and love you all have brought to my life. Just because you all loved and cared in a simple loving way that made my heart burst with joy and love for all of you!

All my dear friends who have laughed, cried, gone on adventures with me and just had long wonderful converstations. Thank you for blessing my life with your love and with you!

Enjoy your day and know that you are all loved so dearly. Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for blessing my life!

Sears Tower Climb 2010

November 14, 2010 was the second year that I completed the Sears (Willis) Tower climb for Skyrise Chicago. I raised money in the climb that went to help Rehab Institute of Chicago.

The wonderful thing about RIC is that they help patients who have suffered severe injuries all over the world. This year I dedicated my climb to three women that I love that right now wouldn't have been able to climb all 2109 steps to the 103rd floor of the tower. My Mum, who had a total knee replacement a few months ago. My dear sister Teresa who had a surgery which has made her bed ridden. And my dear friend Anne who was recently diagnosed with serious lung illness which has limited her traveling.

I started the climb later this year and found this year rewarding. Most of the patients who have completed therapy climb later in the day. It was so wonderful to climb with those who have been able to come out of a trauma and learn to walk again not just walk but climb the stairs to the observation deck. I met an amazing 70 year old woman who had bilateral hip replacement and she made it. This was so inspiring for me to realize, I can accomplish anything as long as I put my heart, soul and mind to it.

When I stepped out onto the observation deck my eyes got tearful. To know that I was able to raise money to help those patients in need of rehabiliation services. As you step out medals are handed to you by patients. When I actually meet the individuals that I did the climb for I was felt so much joy and love.

I plan on doing this again next year. A very rewarding and wonderful experience.

To love or not to love that is the question or is it a quest?

Seriously, I am sometimes the biggest idiot in the world. I have outdone myself this time too. I want to laugh, cry and scream. Hit something really hard. Honestly, you all can laugh at me because I am a complete joke.

I met a guy that I really liked back in late June. Because I was scared to admit that I liked him, since I didn't want to get hurt I was aloof. I gave signs that I liked him however they were not big and straight forward. We had wonderful phone conversations and shared great insight and actually, I started opening up because I felt safe around him. He opened up to me and even admited to me that he felt more comfortable around me.

Catch he was dating another woman, I lived 2200 miles away. I went to visit him had a lovely time until she kept texting him and he basically gave me the cold shoulder. I won't fight for a man's love because I am a wonderful person and I shouldn't have too. Thus I told him to go after her when I really wanted him. Tried to date a few others but just couldn't I wanted this man.

The other girl thus dumped him because she is in love with another man. After three months of regretting not telling him how I truly felt about him, knowing that he stopped dating other women, I professed my feelings to him only to be rejected.

I knew that it would either be that he wanted to give us an effort or in reality he was the womanizer that I suspected and he never cared or liked me he was just using me. Thus I discovered that he had only been using me for his physical pleasure and had never liked me.

It hurts, I can't lie about that. I also wonder why I fell for a man who is incapable of love. I thought I saw a man who was capable of unconditional love but I was wrong. Maybe my man radar is broken or something.

In the last few days I have pondered, cried, pondered and realized that I am an amazing woman. I have a heart of gold. I am smart, beautiful and fun. No man deserves me.

Will I be missing out by never having a man to say "I love you" or to hear a man say "I love you". No, because I do have love. I have the most wonderful children in the world. I love them more than anything in the world and they reciprocate the love back to me. And then my beautiful parents and siblings who no matter how goofy or crazy I am they love me no matter what and stand by to support me through thick or thin. I also have the love of my dear friends who without them I wouldn't be the woman I am today.

Love, my life is overflowing with love.

Back to Nature

Today was so amazing. It was a very pleasant day, the sky was clear with the sun warming the earth with her bright rays of light. Warm filled the air.

We traveled to a suburban town called Wayne, Illinois. Part of the Illinois Prairie path runs through Wayne. About four weeks ago I went on a bike ride out there with my friends. My thoughts as I traveled in this highly forested area was how peaceful and blissful it was in this area. I had to take my children to this wonderful place. Thus we hopped in the car and drove there.

Exploring the forest perserve by foot was even better then when I rode on the paths on my bike. Plus I was able to take the kids of the prairie path into the beautiful meadows and truly get close to nature and our lovely earth.

We found a stream and a pond. The pond was amazing because we saw so many frogs. I became a child again. Javi, my darling son, and I tried catching some frogs. We weren't successful I had totally forgotten how fast frogs are. The joy on my son's face to attempt to catch a frog was priceless.

There were several garden snakes and we did try to catch and take a picture of two of them but alas they were much too quick for us. We did find a deceased mouse, frog and snake. Javi wants to go back to have a funeral service for each of the deceased.

It was lovely, breath taking and peaceful. A nice way to end the week or start the next week. I enjoyed spending this time with my kids and wish it hadn't ended.

To climb or not to climb

I spent five hours today rock climbing. What I enjoy about the climbing is the exhilaration of ascending the 60 foot wall and the descent. I like the danger which is minimal when you are not on an actual rock face and when you are on the rock face. It is the power of being able to conquer mother nature.

Today, I pushed myself to the point that my biceps, triceps and deltoid are aching. My extensor digitorum, extensor pollicis longus and extensor carpi ulnaris are still twitching. I at least wore my ace wrap on my right knee which I know has a lateral meniscus tear, however, the wrap has at least saved my knee today as I have no swelling. I know I am so pushing myself but this is my exercise, my joy and what keeps me going.

The reason for the blog is that I have found so much challenge and joy in climbing. My little obsession.

When I came home tonight, ate a bit then sat to relax as my body is not liking that i am pushing it. Decided to watch a movie and ended up watching a documentary called "Touching the Void" the story of Simon Yates and Joe Simpson, the only two mountaineers to successful alpine climb the Siula Grande in the Andes.

One thing I admire is that they actually climbed to the peak of the Siula Grande. They used the skill and knowledge needed to conquer the mountain. However, upon the descent Joe fell putting excessive pressure on his left leg causing the fibula to jolt up and bang into his femur causing a severe break. Simon tried to get Joe off the mountain after going over a huge ice ledge and making no progress, Simon thought Joe was dead and cut the 150 foot rope.

Luckily, Joe had fallen in a crevasse in a glacier and miraculuslly made his way down to basecamp and out of the Andes alive.

Brings me to my point, should we be climbing these high peaks? Everest has become the "tourist" mountain for unexperienced climbers. Look back at the 1996 disaster on the mountain in which two of the worlds most experienced mountaineers sacrificed their lives to save the unexperienced climbers who paid them to take them on the mountain.

The dangers of climbing over 20,000 feet; ice, poor oxygen, frost bite, extreme wind chill, changes in temperature from day to evening, dangerous descents, storms, white outs, and more dangers.

My thoughts, climbing is a fun adventurous sport however it is dangerous and important make sure you double check your knots, equipment, have trust worthy climbing partners and experience. Personally for myself, I would not go up Everest, K12, Siula Grande or any other high peaks. Our grand creator of the earth did not intend for humans to be at such elevations. Kudo's to those whom climb the elevations. You will still see me on the rock but I won't be in places of snow and ice.

Thoughts upon reading: Where Men Win Glory

I enjoy reading classics, fiction, nonfiction, biographies, well anything I can get my hands one, except romance novels. I read "Into the Wild" and "Into Thin Air" by Jon Krakauer this last spring. I was extremely impressed with Jon's writing style. He not only has a captivating way of writing but he also does research and presents as much of the facts regarding the story that he is sharing. Granted in the book "Into Thin Air" his intent was to write a story about how Mt. Everest had become so commerical however he ended up being involved in the biggest disaster on Mt. Everest in the history of climbing the moutain.

Thus, I borrowed "Where Men Win Glory: The Odyssey of Pat Tillman" from my friend. I am not far into the book as of yet, however I am learning a lot and have discovered some other books which I will add to my already long list of "To Be Read" books that I would like to read.

Usually, I don't follow politics and details on wars, and will readily admitt I don't tend to talk about politics as I know so little about the topics. I know that even if the war is not on my homeland of America I do know that it can impact my life. The first thing I have learned is that I really should pay closer attention to politics and the reasons behind wars and it goes deeper into history of each country and even my own country.

As I have been reading, I must say that American politicians need to carry a lot of the blame with the recent war in which many of our young military men and women have given up their lives or suffered severe injury either physical or emotional. In the process of reading I have learned that not only did the US support Afghanistan by providing them with weapons but they continued to do so through Soviet occupied Afghanistan, but they supported Iraq with weapons. Which are now being used to kill our American Troops. I could ramble for hours on why this infuriates me. However, I am going to stop because it is raising my blood pressure.

Another thing I learned is that the leader of the Taliban Omar (I forgot his last name) brought Ben Liden back to Afghanistan after Saudi Arabia didn't want him anymore. Omar initially started out doing good deeds, rescuing women and children who where being physically beaten and/or raped by fighting political parties. Thus he stopped some horrible things going on in Afghanistan however, in the process became very hateful and vendictive.

Apparently the US put pressure on Saudi Arabia to expell Ben Liden. Once expelled from his home country (keep in mind he had done some things in Saudi Arabia to the point his family disowned him and he was a very feared man), instead of being a real man decides that he is going to blame the US for his actions. Thus we have the two attacks on the World Trade Center. Clearly a man with severe moral and psychological issues.

Pat Tillman, I should cover him too. I am impressed that first he was willing to give up millions of dollars to serve his country after 9/11. In learning about him in this book, he has the gumption to push himself to his limits and exceed. A great role model for adults and children. Especially little boys. There just doesn't seem to be enough great role models for our youth today.

To end this entry today I am going to dedicate this to my friend Jessie. He was a brilliant young 20 year old. Four years ago he was killed in combat in Afghanistan. Brilliant young man who impacted my life and was a very dear friend. Here's to you Jessie, your life did not go unnoticed. Thanks for serving our country you will always have a special place in my heart.

The Kiss

Recently, I was reminiscing with my dear sister Heather about the one I truly loved an let get away. In reality I broke his heart. He wanted me to move to New York, I was nineteen and scared to leave my little Utah home to go to the big city. We kept in touch, I got married and he told me that I was the one for him and his heart was broken. Though we aren't together he was my first love and our first kiss has and always will be the most memorable kiss I ever had.

William took me to a lovely dinner to Ruby's in Immigration Canyon. It was my first glass of red wine and he knew how to pick a perfect wine with our meal. I remember we had alfredo and a garden salad.

After dinner, William walked back to the car and pulled out this ratty old army blanket. He grabbed my hand and we walked under the half moon in the canyon. He laid the blanket down under a huge tree. we laid down staring at the stars and moon. He began reciting "A Thing of Beauty" by John Keats. When he finished he turned his head toward me, put his hand ever so gently on my chin and pulled me close to his face and then we kissed. The kiss that has imprinted upon my brain as if it happened minutes ago.

Long Time

It has been a while since I blogged. My plan to blog weekly didn't work out so well. My intelligent teenage daughters just went back to school and they tend to require the use of the computer nightly for homework. Thus I have disappeared for a while.

My book buying ban is going well. Eleven days into the ban and I haven't purchased a new book. Which is good as I have so many books that I need to finish reading. There are so many I would like to add to my list also. Must finish ones that I own and books that I have borrowed.

The diet I am on is working out great. I feel so much better eating healthy and pushing myself to work out. Twenty days without sugar. I have a horrible sweet tooth. I could eat so much junk food that it could be severely bad for me. I am sure the holidays, just around the corner, will be tough as I do so love cookies, cake, candy but I shall let myself have a minor snack once the holiday's come around. It will just mean pushing myself to work out more.

Ummmm, a rather boring blog today. I am still asleep. Not sure why. I went to bed late and slept in. I tend to get more sleepy when I actually sleep versus when I don't sleep. I think that is rather odd and then again I am not a normal person.

We do have lovely rain this morning. It did put a damper on my morning bike ride as it is coming down profusely and I didn't want to ride through mud.

Oh, the man ban. Going well. It has given me time to think about what I really want in life and I do know that I need this time to gather my thoughts, better myself and enjoy my dear beautiful children. Really it has opened my eyes to the importance of my lovely family and sweet friends.

Until I pop on again.

Breath of Memories

My baby started third grade. As a mum I am both excited and sad. Sad that he is no longer a baby and overjoyed to watch him grow into a little man. With watching him take off to school a flood of memories over came me and brought me back to the day of his birth. A wonderful day one of the greatest days of my life.

The birth of all my babies is a fond happy memory. Even though they have grown so much and are no longer little babies I remember their births as if they were yesterday.

I treasure the memories. I love to watch them grow, learn and explore this beautiful world. Here is a cheer to all three of my kids for a great third grade, freshman and junior year in school. Enjoy the learning, enjoy your friends and make me smile!

Book Buying Ban

I was just reading Book Coop blog, which is my most lovely friends blog. And she is going on a book buying ban. I so need to do this. I have so many book that I need to finish.

Okay with that said. I shall add a book buying bann or BBB to my list of goals. No new books starting September 1, 2010 until I have read 15 books that I already own. Then I can only purchase 1 book.

1 book for every 15 read. That is a good goal then hopefully I can get caught up on some reading of books that I own.

Day Two

I don't know that I will write everyday as I tend to get side tracked very easily. Thus I should really set myself a goal. If I write it down somewhere I tend to try to stick with my goals. Thus my writing goal for this blog is that I will try to write at least once a week. Now it might be insightful or it might be complete rubbish. I am pure entertainment and you shall be blessed to have my thoughts written out.

Baby steps. Made it 48 hours. Not having sugar is usually extremely hard for me. I love sweets. I have the biggest sweet tooth. However, I have a tummy ache and headache. Have had them all day. I really do need to go to bed thus this blog today will be short. I had a successful day with my goals.

blabbing

I am a beautiful single woman who has got the worst luck when it comes to men. After talking to a dear friend today I have decided to start the "Man Ban". Yes I am banning men. Which will be a task as I seem to get picked up on and flirted with a lot. This will be good for me since I tend to attract the wrong sorts of men.

As a single parent, and one who hasn't been back on the dating scene for a while I have found dating to be drab and the men out there to be tedious, womanizing, egotistical, and vile. However, I can't just say that these last characteristics are the only characteristics that the majority of the men have, as many of them have qualities that I am looking for it is just they do tend to have egotistical tendencies that come out and they tend to be one's a woman doesn't want to deal with. I get very disinterested and have to leave.

Maybe I am not giving a chance to men however, life is too short to treat me disrespectfully. I am a precious treasure and if a man were to truly want to be a part of my life then he would need to treat me with deep love and respect. I am a wanderer and love life, if you can't live with me then get out of the way.

With that said I must point out a few things:

1. When you are on a date with a woman and you are both dating other people. It is NOT OKAY to text message, call or accept texts/calls from one of the other women you are dating. BIG BIG mistake, it will close off a potentially good relationship. Basically, count yourself out of the picture. Done and over with you just lost an amazing person!
2. Open all doors for a woman. When they are getting in/out of the car. Going in or out of a building. Open all doors!
3. If you are dating a woman and it is her birthday get her at least a card. No card, no call, no text and no gift. No more dating that girl.
4. Don't talk about all your recent conquests. We don't want to hear it.
5. You are egotistical if you say "every" woman wants you as her boyfriend. If you aren't with them they found something wrong with you. If you think they wanted you they said it to make you feel better because you are insecure and it is a huge hint to a woman to run away very quickly.

I am sure I will add to this list but that is a good start for now.

Bonjour!

At the prompting of dear friends I have finally started my own blog. Thus the world can have mass entertainment. Free entertainment from me.

I should introduce myself I am a bibliophile, quilter, writer, scrapper, climber, dancer, Mum, and friend. I have a deep passion for literature, dance, art and music. To know me is to love me! I am your best friend and your shoulder to cry on, your friend to laugh with and laugh at and the biggest kid you will ever meet.

My family is my life and I adore my beautiful children. Motherhood has grown so many blessings for me that I shall cherish each of them and carrying them in my heart forever.

My name nickname Smurf comes from my Goodreads avitar which is a dancing happy smurf. I love to smile and smurfs smile best! I guess you would if you lived in a mushroom in a colorful forest with happy singing friends.  My name is my pen name.

Thus we get to more of me. As I know you want to hear about me. I am a beautiful, intellectual and independent woman. I love being happy little me and fluttering through life. That is me in a nut shell!