What am I doing here?

I am in a rather odd mood thus strange words may escape my finger tips.  While making rocky road today I was pondering "What am I doing here?" I wasn't pondering why I was home or making candy but the deeper question- What am I doing here on Earth? What are any of us doing here on earth?

Being raised religious, the answer would be God dropped me here to try to prove to him that I love Him and should be honored to return to him.

Then as I stired in the marshmellows I contemplated evolution. How does evolution fit into the tangled web of religion and the seven days of creation. Then I thought well, we have scientific evidence of evolution where is our evidence of the creation.

I feel small today. I think about how big whales, elephants, moutntains, I am small. Not as small as an ant or a flower still I am small.

I haven't decided what I am doing here, don't know when the answer will hit me upside the head when it comes I will know.

Book Review: UNDER THE BANNER OF HEAVEN

Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


*************************************SPOILERS*********************************************



Another great book from Jon Krakauer. Amazing writer and a well researched topic. This book has become highly critized by members of the LDS Church and many without either reading the whole book or just going off false judgements of those whom haven't read the book at all.



Jon Krakauer spent three years reasearching this book. He sited interviews and texts written by members of the LDS church and by nonmembers. This helps the book by showing both sides of the religious context of the book. This book covers two stories: 1) the murders committed by Ron and Dan Lafferty and 2)the evolution and origin of the LDS church.



In order to understand how the Lafferty brothers thought process became so obscure one must understand their religious background.



For me this book not only uncovered the sickness that infected the Lafferty brothers but as a member of the LDS church with some knowledge of the true history, my eyes were opened and I have been able to do my own research on the religious beliefs I was brought up and raised with.



The begining of the LDS church and the ceasing of polygamy is an important historical event. An event that pushes two brothers in murdering their sister in law and neice in the name of "God". Cruel and horrible murders that neither brother has remorse for. The both sit in prision at the point of the mountain. One appealling his death penality the other in deep religious meditation with another former member of the LDS Church (Mark Hoffman) who committed forgery crimes to try to bring down the LDS Church. Both brothers raised LDS broke away from the church to become Fundamentalist. The Fundamentalist Church broke away from the LDS church in order to continue to practice polygomy. With the Fundamentalists many believe that they are prophets of God. This belief became strong to the Lafferty brother. To the point that they believed "God" told them to murder.



The oppression that is highly dominant in the Fundamentalist churhc, it is extrememly sad for the woman and girls that grow up in this society. Krakauer does an excellant job by interviews with women who have been strong enough to leave the Fundamentalist church in order to gain freedom. It brought me to the realization that even the LDS church has an element of oppression. It teaches and encourages the members to have continual learning and encourages college degrees. However, the oppression comes from the "power" that the male members have over the female members. Maybe it is just a religious oppression since so many religions oppress the women.



Krakauer is a great writer. He presented a well researched about the Lafferty brothers, LDS Chruch beginnings and the Fundamemtalist Church. Krakauer gives a great ending to the story with his personal insight and opinion. Which is one reason I have enjoyed all his books is his personal opinions. He is very clear throughout the entire book that the LDS Church and the Fundamentalist chruch are two seperate chruches. One breaking away from the other.



I would highly recommend reading this book if not only to find out about the murders but to learn about the history of the LDS Church and the Fundamentalist church.



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"Nobody Knows me at all"

I am an avid listener to music.  I close my eyes and if I can feel my soul begin to dance I know that the song is beauty in true form.  There is nothing in the world like dancing to music and not just the dancing but if the song can move you to dance the lyrics can touch your heart.

Yesterday in exploring my favorite band, Mumford and Sons, on my Pandora station I found another band a lovely band named The Weepies. The name of the band struck a chord to my heart, then the song "Nobody Knows Me At All". The lyrics and the music it reminds me of dancing. It brings me to a happy place in my soul. Then I realized why, that honestly who knows me. Can you say you know how my mind thinks, how my heart feels, how I love, how I care. Are you there when I laugh, cry. Do you know me.

When I smile do you know what my heart thinks. Do you know what makes me smile? Do you know what I am thinking when I look ponderingly out at the rain. When a tear dances down my cheek am I happy or sad.

How well do you know me?

When one love dies another is born

On this blessed Thanksgiving day, I just talked to my sweet sister. She announced that she is pregnant and expecting a beautiful baby in June 2011. My heart skipped a beat. I am extremely excited to be an Auntie. How little babies bring so much love and joy.

My sister asked be to be there when this little one is born. Such an honor to be there with her during this blessed event. June will be a truly wonderful time.

Amazing how when one person rejects my love a new little one will come to the earth and soak it up. I can't wait to spoil this sweet little one. Kisses to my new niece or nephew. You have no idea how much love will be thrown upon you little one.

Happy Thanksgiving!

One of my favorite days. A day I get to spend with my darling children and enjoy food.

Thus, I shall share some of the reasons I am thankful. I am thankful for being a mother. From the moment my first daughter was born I knew that being a Mum was the best job in the world. I am so thankful for all three of my beautiful children. They bless my life with their smiles. Oh and when they laugh, their laughter feels my heart with so much joy it makes me laugh and thus spreads through my house like a virus. Then the sarcasm. Oh I have raised three extremely sarcastic children and how I love it. Another thing that makes us all giggle. I have enjoyed raising these beautiful children from their first glance at my face after they were born, to the first step, first word, first spelling test, reading their first book and to my oldest getting her college applications. I am so thankful and blessed to have three beautiful, intelligent children. They carry my heart forever.

I am thankful for my parents. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for their love. They have always been there for me no matter if I was being an immature brat or the loving daughter that they treasure. My Mum is the sweetest most caring woman in the world. I fondly remember her making homemade chicken noodle soup when I was sick. Placing a cold wet rag on my forehead to bring down my fevers. Her giving me flowers at my dance performances. Thanks Mum! You are the best in the world!

My Dad, I was always and will always be a Daddy's girl. He instilled a deep love and appreciation of arts within my soul as a small child. It started with late nights reading under the stars in our backyard. He read me Dr. Jeykl and Mr. Hyde, Sherlock Holmes, Tom Sawyer, Huck Finn, the books he read goes on and on. He took me to my first play. Always in the audience at my ballet and modern dance performances from when I was two years old until the last performance on a stage. Thanks Dad for everything!

I am thankful for my siblings. The wonderful memories that I have growing up with you all and now drinking and laughing late at night.

My beautiful Vine Family, I am so thankful for all of you. My blessing and light during a dark time in my life. I can't express the joy and love you all have brought to my life. Just because you all loved and cared in a simple loving way that made my heart burst with joy and love for all of you!

All my dear friends who have laughed, cried, gone on adventures with me and just had long wonderful converstations. Thank you for blessing my life with your love and with you!

Enjoy your day and know that you are all loved so dearly. Happy Thanksgiving and thank you for blessing my life!

Sears Tower Climb 2010

November 14, 2010 was the second year that I completed the Sears (Willis) Tower climb for Skyrise Chicago. I raised money in the climb that went to help Rehab Institute of Chicago.

The wonderful thing about RIC is that they help patients who have suffered severe injuries all over the world. This year I dedicated my climb to three women that I love that right now wouldn't have been able to climb all 2109 steps to the 103rd floor of the tower. My Mum, who had a total knee replacement a few months ago. My dear sister Teresa who had a surgery which has made her bed ridden. And my dear friend Anne who was recently diagnosed with serious lung illness which has limited her traveling.

I started the climb later this year and found this year rewarding. Most of the patients who have completed therapy climb later in the day. It was so wonderful to climb with those who have been able to come out of a trauma and learn to walk again not just walk but climb the stairs to the observation deck. I met an amazing 70 year old woman who had bilateral hip replacement and she made it. This was so inspiring for me to realize, I can accomplish anything as long as I put my heart, soul and mind to it.

When I stepped out onto the observation deck my eyes got tearful. To know that I was able to raise money to help those patients in need of rehabiliation services. As you step out medals are handed to you by patients. When I actually meet the individuals that I did the climb for I was felt so much joy and love.

I plan on doing this again next year. A very rewarding and wonderful experience.

To love or not to love that is the question or is it a quest?

Seriously, I am sometimes the biggest idiot in the world. I have outdone myself this time too. I want to laugh, cry and scream. Hit something really hard. Honestly, you all can laugh at me because I am a complete joke.

I met a guy that I really liked back in late June. Because I was scared to admit that I liked him, since I didn't want to get hurt I was aloof. I gave signs that I liked him however they were not big and straight forward. We had wonderful phone conversations and shared great insight and actually, I started opening up because I felt safe around him. He opened up to me and even admited to me that he felt more comfortable around me.

Catch he was dating another woman, I lived 2200 miles away. I went to visit him had a lovely time until she kept texting him and he basically gave me the cold shoulder. I won't fight for a man's love because I am a wonderful person and I shouldn't have too. Thus I told him to go after her when I really wanted him. Tried to date a few others but just couldn't I wanted this man.

The other girl thus dumped him because she is in love with another man. After three months of regretting not telling him how I truly felt about him, knowing that he stopped dating other women, I professed my feelings to him only to be rejected.

I knew that it would either be that he wanted to give us an effort or in reality he was the womanizer that I suspected and he never cared or liked me he was just using me. Thus I discovered that he had only been using me for his physical pleasure and had never liked me.

It hurts, I can't lie about that. I also wonder why I fell for a man who is incapable of love. I thought I saw a man who was capable of unconditional love but I was wrong. Maybe my man radar is broken or something.

In the last few days I have pondered, cried, pondered and realized that I am an amazing woman. I have a heart of gold. I am smart, beautiful and fun. No man deserves me.

Will I be missing out by never having a man to say "I love you" or to hear a man say "I love you". No, because I do have love. I have the most wonderful children in the world. I love them more than anything in the world and they reciprocate the love back to me. And then my beautiful parents and siblings who no matter how goofy or crazy I am they love me no matter what and stand by to support me through thick or thin. I also have the love of my dear friends who without them I wouldn't be the woman I am today.

Love, my life is overflowing with love.